Motivation

When I decided to make this blog and all things pertaining to related topics the focus of my Twitter page, I thought I'd be cheeky about it.  Like, 'Oh, so an ex-stripper hurt herself and got fat and now she wants to tell everyone about it.'  I don't know, I guess when you've existed in that field for so long you get used to presenting yourself publicly in a certain way.  You're not allowed to have certain weaknesses, and if you do you better joke about it before somebody else does.  And I'm not getting down on the industry at all.  I'm the first to tell you that if I hadn't injured myself I would never have retired.  I miss being on stage just about every day of my life. But at this point in achieving my goals, a new focus is emerging and I'd like that to be clear.

This isn't about vanity, or about complaining about bad things that have happened to me, or trying to shock people with my errant and sometimes seriously misguided attempts to lose weight.  I started all this because I really want to feel better, in every way.  The injury surely slowed me down, but a cavalcade of other mishaps and misfortunes occurred over the last several years and had contributed to the deterioration of my health and mood.  Two years ago I visited my hometown for the first time in five years.  I remember I felt it necessary to issue a group notice to my friends letting them know ahead of time that I had gained weight and I was self-conscious about it.  Here is an excerpt:

"This is not a big 'throwing in the towel' I'm-going-to-become-complacent speech, it's just sh*t I'm going through in my life right now and I want to get this anxiety and low-grade dread off my chest, especially since my last trip home only lasted a few days and I want to be happy about going there now. I've always been super-active, ever since I was a little girl. It's been weird and scary being one of those "I have a bad back" people for the last three years. It's just a thing I have to acclimate to, I guess. I will. I can do whatever I want. But that takes time. For now I'm just me the way I am today..."

What really surprised me is how many friends around my same age responded saying they felt similarly about themselves and their present state of fitness.  At that point I wasn't yet feeling well enough to actively pursue getting healthy, but the seed of an idea was planted.  I knew that when I was ready to commit to this, I wanted to find and interact with other people working towards the same purpose.  To share my journey and find inspiration and hopefully offer the same.

In April when I turned to exercise to pull me through dealing with making some pretty stupid personal choices, I really noticed one unanticipated benefit of my efforts.  My mood drastically improved.  For a while I had been wrapping my hopes up in others trying to achieve the same, and here - on my own - and completely by accident, I managed such.  For me, maintaining focus, balance and a positive mood are essential as I am a rapid-cycling bipolar.  So it's not about "being hot."  Sure, that result doesn't hurt but that's not why I'm doing this.  It's about feeling better, inside and out.  It's about deciding that the negative events in my life are not going to defeat me.  It's about realizing that even though I may have done some things the wrong way every second of my life until right now, as a human being I am capable of growth, change and improvement.  And taking all that and sharing it with other people that are going through the same thing.

Be well, everyone.  And do something today that makes you feel good about yourself.